I 'm brave. It's my just my hand is afraid .

I t’s like a big black lipstick smudge of Cain on your forehead .

I run, and I want to witness something amazing, but there’s no movement. I feel so powerful, but here in this eerie silence of a world that’s asleep, I’m the king of a kingdom of one .

I would so love to be hit by a bus right now, so I could die in the arms of a bowling star .

W hen you think about it, it’s like Area 51. The government’s all “there’s no Area 51, there’s no aliens,” but hiding and pretending it isn’t there doesn’t change the fact that it is. You have to open the doors of your own personal Area 51 and come on out .

I ’m attracted to you, but I find that attraction repulsive, and the more I try to repel my attraction, the more attractive my repulsion becomes .

A push, a shove--

Where’s the love in words that land like houses on witches?

No wizard to fix this paralysis,

This spectacular silence

That meets acts of violence.. .

W ho are you ahead of? Most of the time I see you, you’re upside down or flat on your face. How many people does that get you ahead of ?

T he girl down the street--I’d hear her mother tell her every day, “You’ll grow up to be a murdering psychotic who guts your family in our sleep with a butter knife and a pair of knitting needles.” Her mother was wrong about the knitting needles .

B ut LaLaLa never has epiphanies. She's just beautiful .

E xcuse me, but do you happen to be trapped in a dressing room of a collapsed building along with a lot of astoundingly gorgeous people ?

I once saw a dead man stand up, recite the Gettysburg Address backward and then choke the man standing next to him. They had to pry his ice cold hands off the man's throat. (beat) Dead people can do extraordinary things. Don't sell them short .

E ver been with a woman who sees giant beef patties floating in the street ?

I saw a man on the next block wearing a bra and going from can to can, sampling everybody's garbage. He didn't have a tongue. If he's not full, he might want those tongue sandwiches. I think his name is Bob. I think it's Bob because I called him Jesus once and he didn't answer .

I don't think he's God, or Jesus. I think he's just a guy who's got underwear .

I try to love Jimmy. I try to start conversations with him. "Do you need any more black shirts?" or "Is that a dead rat in your pants, or are you just happy to see me? "

I t means I think I’m seeing a liver, but it turns out to be an orange. (Beat.) Like when the gold necklace I gave my Mom for her birthday turned out to be asparagus, or when I thought I took out the trash and I gave away our TV .

M y Dad got fired, no way I'd wear their T-shirt. It'd be like bein' Jewish and wearin' a swastika. You wouldn't do that—would you ?

Y ou know, I don't like the way you're trying to dehumanize me. I'm not just someone with a nuclear weapon. I don't think you're just someone with a nuclear weapon .

S urrender immediately, or I'll kill this dog .

I have a scar. Do you want to see it? (beat) If you look at my scar I'll go back 'cross the street. Do you want to see it? (beat) You can't, 'cause it's psychological .

O edipal rhymes with edible .

I put my finger on the President's face. I put my finger right on his face .

I wish I was bleeding. I wish I cut my leg so I was bleeding, and you had to take care of me .

A trash baby could eat on these pants for a week, two weeks if it was careful. Or little. Like a mouse .

S top feeling up the bread !

W e can’t be a real family without a TV. You ever seen a family without a TV ?

Y ou shouldn't name rats .

N ow you know the whole crowd is thinkin’ the white kid is the white filling, and the black kid is the cookie crust. So there’s this incredible “what the fuck” moment when Jack, the white kid, says he’s the cookie crust .

Y ou can barely see the blood in the sky now. All the light’s gone out. It’s the end of the world .

I always said that when I got married, I’d do it once and that would be it. Because that first time, that’s when it’s magic. Everyone watching me walk down that aisle, and he’s waiting there. And as I walk, my life becomes beautiful .

I can understand why Emmett wanted to disappear. He just wanted to make it through the day without crying or screaming or wishing he was dead .

K inda small for the apocalypse .

D o you know what it feels like to have the only child at the swimming pool who deliberately tries to land on his head when he jumps into the water ?

O ne minute I’m teaching the kids addition and subtraction, and the next thing I know I’m face down on the carpet with twenty tiny hands tugging on my shoulders and asking me if I’m OK. Except for Annette Pardee, who’s asking me if I’m dead, and if I am, can she have my spleen for her diorama .

T his doesn't make up for shooting me .

Y ou can't just come down here with a nuclear weapon and no plan .

S he smelled so bad the other day from cleanin' up vomit, I had to go find a skunk just to drown her out .

M y father—something, a butterfly—landed under his nose. He sneezed. A soldier thought he wasn't quite dead and put a bullet in his head. A butterfly killed my father .

M ommy's psychic. She gets hunches that she'll have to bolt out of the house after her children kill people and call the police .

I t’s a little off-putting to watch the moderator polishing the guillotine while you’re talking, but just don’t look at him. What I do is pick a spot on the wall .

I t's only luck you don't have the blood of an innocent, purple-headed boy on your hands .

A kidney's a keeper, I always say .

I can live with myself in a three bedroom condo. In a studio, I’d run into myself too often .

M aybe we could pretend to be brothers. The two loveable uncles that wear Mr. Rogers sweaters and drink lemonade on the porch .

Y ou have all the answers, and I just have my fear .

W e were so poor that my parents couldn’t even afford a doctor to tell them that I would be lucky to live to be a teenager .

T iny Tim stretches a hamstring, and the hopes of a nation stretch with him .

I f she does the tellin’, she’ll leave out the part where she’s a stick thin carcass on the side of the road a few hours short of a prophet to send her home .

E very minute feels like my entire life .