This is from an unfinished one-person play called Confessions of a Recovering Teenager, adapted from an older play of mine called Gone to Hell, Be Back Soon. The monologue appears in the Smith & Kraus collection 60 Seconds to Shine: 221 One-Minute Monologues for Men, Vol. 1. Jude, anywhere from early to mid-teens, has just been released from a psychiatric hospital—he had tried to kill himself.

(Warning: Using this monologue without permission is illegal, as is reproducing it on a website or in print in any way.)

JUDE
I bet my real father is an alcoholic. And a criminal. A really psychotic criminal who killed his entire family and then went to the Super Fresh to get Florida oranges on sale. And not just on sale. He had coupons. Double coupons. And a manufacturer's rebate. And he got into a shootout at the cash register when they didn't want to give him the double discount.
(beat)
It would explain a lot.
(beat)
When I think what my real mom is like, I draw a blank. I close my eyes, and I try to picture her. I see Madonna, a half-dozen different supermodels, you know like from the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. The usual. The perfect mom. And she vacuums the living room in tight shorts. My mom can wear tight denim shorts. She cooks in her swimsuit, and the food tastes good too.
(beat)
But then the weird stuff starts. My mom, she changes. Suddenly, she's some lady in armor burning at the stake, or that crazy woman in the movie who keeps screaming "No wire hangers." Or the Greek chick with all the snakes in her hair, and if you look at her you turn to stone. And I look at her. Into her eyes. Suddenly I can't breathe, and it's like my muscles are getting tight, and I try to move and I can't. I'm turning to stone.