From Thank You for Flushing My Head in the Toilet and other rarely used expressions

Tragicomic Interlude takes place out of the flow of real time.  The student here, either male or female, could be anywhere from early to late teens.  Thank You for Flushing My Head in the Toilet and other rarely used expressions, my widely performed play about bullying, is published by Playscripts.  Click here to order a copy.

(Warning: Using this monologue without permission is illegal, as is reproducing it on a website or in print in any way.)

STUDENT

Funny story: this kid at school, Jason, they mess with him all the time. No idea why. Nothing big. There’s only been blood like two or three--wait--four times. But it’s not like he needed a transfusion.
(beat)
One day last week they break his glasses. Without them, he’s blind. Like walk into the door blind. How many fingers?
(Holds up two fingers in front of his eyes.)
Four?
(Waves the two fingers at an imaginary kid.)
So he barely makes it home, and his clothes are full of dirt and he’s got leaf parts in his hair and when he finally gets there he’s crying ‘cause he can’t go three steps without tripping. I only know this cause the kids who broke his glasses are following him and streaming it live to the web through a cell.
(beat)
Now this next part I only heard when the counselors talked to us at school, ‘cause it’s not like anybody could see in his house. He goes upstairs--his Dad’s a doc, and so he gets all these free samples, and Jason takes this fistful of pills and swallows them. Only he’s so blind he takes the wrong pills. Instead of dying, now he’s an eggplant. I mean, talk about a day when you just can’t do anything right.